


Winter Night

by Lauren (notalwaysweak)



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-11-12
Updated: 2000-11-16
Packaged: 2017-11-02 23:45:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/374694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notalwaysweak/pseuds/Lauren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Starbug crew have made a landing on an ice planet and, as usual, are set for a very un-mundane time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Winter Night

**Author's Note:**

> Red Dwarf characters belong to Grant Naylor. Posted after an enquiry about it on the Red Dwarf Slash Society Yahoo Group led me to unearth it from the back of my hard drive, hence the posting date (I would like to think my writing has improved since the year 2000). Originally posted as two fics, I've just posted them as separate chapters, but oh, back in the day I was a cruel abuser of the words 'To Be Continued'. Set post-S8; Rimmer is S8!Rimmer. Mostly.
> 
> * * *

The squat green spaceship crawled slowly across the snow, looking like an oversized caterpillar. Ice and snow clogged the windshield, thwarting every attempt at windscreen-wiping, and strange grinding, squealing sounds came from the underside of the ship as it made its painful way across the surface of the planet. 

Inside, in the relative warmth (relative to Antarctica, that was) of the cockpit, five beings huddled. Three of them at least claimed to be human. One looked human until he smiled. And the last would only look human if he ever underwent some seriously intensive plastic surgery. 

'How much further?' Lister asked, rubbing futilely at the fogged glass in front of him. 

'Another two klicks,' Kochanski replied from her console, squinting at the readout. 'Assuming, of course, that nobody's left the baked potato timer in here again.' Rimmer snorted at this; it was just what one would expect from someone with Lister's level of competency. 

'I can't see a damn thing,' the Cat said. He shook his head. 'If we end up smeared over a rock wall, I'm gonna be really mad -- granite doesn't go with green.' 

'How does he _know_ this?' Rimmer said. 

'It's intuition, sir,' Kryten said. 

'It's a load of smeg,' Rimmer corrected. His fingers drummed fitfully on the arm of the extra chair they had dragged in. 'Where the hell _is_ this derelict, anyway?' 

'South 83º00 lat. East 63º00 long. 326 feet,' Kochanski said, reading from her console. 'In short, we're nearly on top of it. Shouldn't be much more than another few...' 

Bang. Clunk. Grind. Thud. Thunk. Screech. Scrape. Judder. Jounce. 

Stop. 

'...seconds.' 

The Cat's teeth showed in a pearly white grin. 'All out for Fresh Supplies Station,' he announced jauntily. 

* * *

They made their way through the derelict, having managed to manoeuvre _Starbug_ into its rusty landing bay. This ship was a lot older and in worse condition than any other they had boarded. The icy wind whistled through the rusty lacework of holes in every plate of steel. The only place that was relatively intact was the landing bay itself.Snow drifted against useless machines. Though the planet had a S3 atmosphere and was thus breathable, the crew were rugged up against the weather. Kochanski looked like a walking snowball. 

'This place is almost devoid of supplies,' she shouted over the wind. 'Are we gonna get anything out of this stop?' 

'We'd better,' Lister said. 'We're low on fuel and water. Food's OK, but those things we _really_ need.' 

'How _really_?' 

' _Really_ _really_.' 

'Then let's split up. Meet back here in fifteen minutes. And nobody get lost -- I for one am not in the mood to attempt Arctic rescue plans,' Kochanski said. 

'Like the one where you crawl naked into...' 

_Thwack!_

'Maybe not, then,' said Lister, holding his head. Kochanski put the snow shovel down and nodded. 

'Let's get on with it.' 

The group separated, taking different parts of the ship to search and report on. 

* * *

Deeper within the ship, three red LEDs flashed on. They flickered on and off rapidly, as if winking at each other. There was a deep rumble of machinery coming to life, then the familiar beep of a computer booting up. 

Kryten looked up at the sound of the beep from where he was listing supplies on a clipboard. The list was pitifully short. If they were lucky, this derelict wasn't the one they had set out to find. Maybe there was another one. 

The GPS might be faulty. The Global Positioning Satellite system was excellent -- unfortunately it was designed for use on Earth, which was where the Satellite was. This meant that it took at least forty minutes for the information to travel, and frankly Kryten didn't think it was worth knowing you were somewhere forty minutes after you'd left it. The UPS was better -- Universal Positioning Satellite -- but it had a tendency to act up on Thursdays. 

There was a low chime, the sound of a computer system readying itself for use. The grinding sound of a printer coming online came from the far corner. Kryten looked in that direction and saw a small shape scampering away from the printer. 

'Curious,' he said aloud, picking up the incident in his memory, freeze-framing the scene, and zooming in on the shape. Unfortunately the room was too dark to obtain a clear picture, and all the mechanoid could see was a blur. 

His internal chronometer chimed softly. Three minutes until he had to meet the others. Kryten turned and left the room, unaware of the multiple pairs of eyes which were watching him from every corner, step by step. 

* * *

In another part of the ship, Rimmer cowered along the wall. He was hearing weird noises, he didn't like it, and he wanted his mummy. This last was not anything he would admit to in conversation, but he thought it as he crept along the corridor. 

There was something out there. He could feel it. Just as he could feel that there was -- something -- watching every scared step he took. If the feeling didn't go away soon Rimmer had the nasty feeling that he would end up needing to change his uniform. 

_Think of what Ace would do,_ he told himself. _He wouldn't be scared. If there was some kind of creature out there, Ace Rimmer would engage it in hand-to-hand combat with no better weapon than a tennis racket and a shaken-up can of Coke._

But he didn't have a can of Coke. 

And the sounds were getting closer. 

Whimpering in fear, Rimmer turned and shamelessly fled back to the central area. 

* * *

'Honestly, Rimmer, you're such a coward.' Kochanski shook her head, which was barely visible inside the fur-lined hood of her thick, quilted parka. Thank God for the Cat's extensive clothing collection. 

'Didn't you hear anything? I swear, I could hear something moving around out there. Something big. I could hear breathing. Quick, short breaths. I think it was after food. Human food,' Rimmer said. 

'It was probably _your_ breathing, you twonk. Come on,' Lister clapped his hands, 'who's found what supplies?' 

'Well, I found water. Lots and lots of water,' the Cat said. His face split in a childlike grin. 'Only trouble is, it's all out there, frozen. Apart from that -- nothing.' 

'I found some computer equipment which we might be able to use,' said Kryten. 'Along with AR Simulation Games and other frivolous time-wasters. I think my room might have been the entertainment room.' 

Lister grinned. 'Which way did you go, Kryte?' Kochanski's hand on his arm stopped him. 

'Dave, wait,' she said. 'I found fuel, but it's frozen solid. We'll need to melt it down before we can siphon it into _Starbug'_ s tanks.' 

'Can't we transport it onto _Starbug_ and do it there? It's cold out here,' said the Cat, shivering. 

'I'm afraid not. The tank is the main fuel tank, and there're no smaller canisters or even buckets to put it in. What we'll have to do is bring something to transport it in from _Starbug_ , heat the tank somehow...' Kochanski's pretty face wrinkled into a frown. 

'I know what we can do. I _know_ we can't light a fire,' Lister added as he saw the look on Kochanski's face. 'I was gonna say we could use the electric blankets... if we can find them.' 

'Um...' The Cat had a sheepish expression on his face. 

'Great, Cat, just great.' 

'Hey, they were on _your_ bunk. You weren't _using_ _your_ bunk. You were in Officer B.B.'s room,' the Cat defended himself. 

'OK, whatever,' Kochanski said. 'Let's just head back to the ' _bug_ , and -- ' 

There was a sudden, very final sounding thud from back in the direction of the landing bay. Lister and Kochanski exchanged a glance, then all five of them started running towards their ship. 

* * *

Kryten stepped away from the door. It had proved to be solid steel, very thick, and had left dents in the mechanoid's head as he tried to break it down. It was an impenetrable barrier between them and the landing bay, and nobody had any idea how it had been activated. 

'What're we going to do?' Kochanski asked. Her teeth had begun to chatter. Lister put an arm around her and she snuggled against him gratefully. 

'We go back to that central room. I think it was warmest there -- or does anyone have any better ideas?' Lister asked. 

'I think there was a fireplace in the wing I was in,' offered the Cat. 'It was mostly bunkrooms, so maybe we can find blankets or something... or try that hypothermia treatment Monkey-boy was suggesting earlier...' 

Kochanski's shot with the snow shovel missed, but not by much. 

* * *

They bunked down around the Cat's fireplace, which was in what seemed to be a communal recreation room. Strangely, though there was an AR Simulation setup in one corner, behind a black screen, the games for it were missing. Kryten guessed that the ones he'd found belonged here, however he could not guess why they had been moved. 

Lister and Kochanski started getting 'friendly' under a couple of blankets behind the screen, which they had moved closer to the fire. The Cat quickly fell asleep, curled up on a folded blanket almost _in_ the fire. Kryten went on downtime in a corner. 

Rimmer lay flat on his back and stared into the darkness, convinced he could hear something coming after him. Something that liked to eat useless people. Something with big teeth. 

_Damn it, Arnold, it's all in your head,_ he thought to himself. The thought wasn't very comforting, though. He didn't want a monster -- with big teeth or otherwise - in his head. According to Lister he'd already made one up, called his 'Self-Loathing', in his hologrammatic life. Which wasn't really his life anyway. 

Rimmer pulled an armful of blanket over his head to try and muffle the sounds emanating from behind the screen, but didn't have a whole lot of luck. He bet _Lister_ wouldn't have hypothermia in the morning. 

* * *

The next morning dawned dark and gloomy. The only reason they knew it was morning was because Kryten had set his internal chronometer and it had informed him that it was 7 AM, _Starbug_ Standard Time, which meant almost nothing anyway. 

Lister bounded out from behind the screen, a jaunty grin on his face. 'Let's get started busting through that door, if we can get those blankets we can leave!' he said cheerfully. 

Rimmer dragged himself to his feet, spitting at the dry, dead taste in his mouth. 'Enjoy yourself last night?' he asked acidly, and walked out without waiting for a reply. 

They gathered back at the door between them and _Starbug_. 

'It's probably just closed because of some old shipboard system that automatically functioned because we came in,' said Kryten. 'I believe it's part of an airlock system, which would naturally close in that case.' 

'Then how come no other ship's systems are running?' Kochanski asked. 

'Beg pardon, ma'am, but the main computer is running,' Kryten said smugly. 

'Then why didn't you say so?' Lister asked. 'We could've been out of here last night instead of spending the night in that freezing cold rec hall...' 

'I thought you got pretty hot last night,' Rimmer said. 'I mean, since you were obviously trying out the sleeping-bag theory...' 

_Thwack!_

'Ow,' said Rimmer. 

Kochanski put the snow shovel back down and glared at Kryten. 'Why didn't you tell us, you gimboid? I had nightmares about the stuff I could hear out there all night, and you tell us now that we could've been sleeping safely on _Starbug_ in our own beds...' 

'Or just yours,' interjected Lister quietly. 

Kochanski picked the snow shovel up again, bouncing the handle in her hand. '...instead of freezing in here? Why?' 

'It must have slipped my mind,' was all Kryten could lamely say. 

'Oh, for smeg's sake!' Kochanski whanged the door with the snow shovel. It still didn't open. She tried slipping the blade of it below the door and jumping on the other end to lever it open, succeeding only in snapping the handle, much to everyone who had been hit's relief. 

'OK, let's go and talk to the computer then,' Lister suggested after watching her do this. 

Kochanski flounced ahead all the way to the computer room. 

* * *

'Welcome to the Corps Network. You are on board the ship the S.S.S. _Elara_ , named for the Jovian moon. Please state your name and Space Corps registration number for the record,' the computer said smoothly. 

'Er... Dave Lister, ID number RD-52169,' Lister said. 

'What is your request of ELF?' the computer asked. 

'ELF? What does that mean?' Kochanski asked. 

'ELF stands for Electronic Life Form. What is your request of ELF?' the computer repeated. 

'Can you open the airlock door to the landing bay for us?' Lister said. 

'Please state reason for request,' the computer said. 

'We want to get back to our ship, fuel up, and leave,' Lister said. 

'Insufficient rationale for request. Request denied,' ELF said. 

'What?' Kochanski managed after a minute. 

'Why?' Lister asked at the same moment. 

'ELF needs you here,' ELF said. 

'What for?' Kryten asked. 

'The S.S.S. _Elara_ is in poor condition. ELF needs you to fix _Elara_. This will be done or you will not leave.' Said as smoothly as 'Two burgers and a thick shake, please.' 

'Look, open the airlock first and we'll do it once we've refuelled the ship,' Lister said. 

'ELF does not trust Lister. Lister's voice-pattern analysis indicates untruth. ELF will have what it wants.' 

'ELF can go bugger itself,' said Kochanski in a low voice. 

There was an agitated hum from the computer. 'ELF will not be denied.' 

Without warning, something landed with a loud plop on Kochanski's shoulder. She turned her head and shrieked as she suddenly came face to face with a fat spider. Its mandibles clicked and it seemed to grin at her before scuttling up her cheek, over her head, and down the other side of her body. 

Lister was frozen. 'Jesus, Kris... I'm so scared of tarantulas...' he whispered, his face bloodless. 

Rimmer was equally pale. 'So am I... remember people used to scare both of us at the same time with spiders back on the Dwarf? They thought it was such a laugh.' 

'You will fix _Elara_. ELF wants you to fix _Elara_. This will take many days. You will fix _Elara_ ,' ELF said in its slightly high, flat voice. 

'Thanks, but I'd rather knit continence pants for my grandma,' Kochanski said rudely before grabbing Lister's arm and leading the group out of the room. 

* * *

Reconvening in the rec room where they had slept, the group were surprised to notice a large pile of gleaming sheet metal in one corner which had not been there previously. It was messily stacked, and Lister wondered who had brought it. 

'There can't be other people here, or ELF would have them working too,' Kochanski said. 

'I would assume so. But then who could have placed this metal here? And for what purpose?' worried Kryten. 

'YOU WILL WORK FOR ELF. THIS WORK WILL BE DONE NOW. OR YOU WILL DIE.' The voice boomed around the room from a speaker in the corner. 

'Smeg,' said Lister, summing up the situation neatly. 

Rimmer almost wet himself. 

'What're we gonna do, Bud?' the Cat asked, his voice trembling. 'That computer's gonna KILL us if we don't do something soon!' 

'How the smeg can it kill us? It's just a bunch of wires! I want my breakfast,' Lister added, moving to the corner where they had left a few food supplies the previous night. He dug through the bags, then looked up slowly. 

'Where the smeg's all the food gone?' 

'SEE?' came ELF's smug voice. 'YOU WILL WORK FOR ELF. OR ELF WILL LET YOU STARVE. YOU WILL SEAL THE WALLS WITH THE METAL, OR ELF WILL MAKE YOU DIE.' 

Lister gulped. 'Uh, anyone got a welder?' 

* * *

Four hours later the Dwarfers were all exhausted. They had been working flat-out, trying to get the job done as soon as possible, but they kept coming across new piles of metal placed by an unseen entity for them to continue working. After the third such discovery, Rimmer slumped against the wall and covered his face. 

'I can't keep going,' he moaned. His hands were blistered and cut from carrying pieces of metal. 

'ELF, we need food to continue!' Lister shouted. 

'There is food in the recreation room. You will eat for twenty minutes then return to work. ELF has commanded it.' The voice was closer -- they were about twenty metres from the computer room and ELF was not longer yelling. 

Lister helped Rimmer up, hooking his hands under Rimmer's armpits and hoisting him to his feet. 'Kris, can you help him eat? I'll be down there in a minute. There's something I want to check first,' he said, trying to sound casual as he turned and walked towards the computer room. Kochanski followed him with her eyes, then shrugged and tucked her arm through Rimmer's, helping him walk. 

* * *

Fifteen minutes later she was just finishing the bandaging of Rimmer's right hand as Kryten fed him pieces of banana one by one, when Lister came crashing into the rec room. His face was pale again, but this time four long scratches stood out like war wounds on his right cheek. Kochanski yelped, dropped Rimmer's hand, and ran to him. 

'Dave, what _happened_?' she said, examining his cheek. 

'Polar bear,' said Lister. 

' _What_?' 

'ELF's got a smegging polar bear in there... guarding the terminal. It must've realised I was going to try and smash it... the smegging thing came out of nowhere...' He touched his cheek and winced. 

'We've got the bazookoids...' Kryten said. 

'No, we don't,' said the Cat. He held up the empty bags one by one. 'We don't have anything we came in with. Freak-boy's sent us the food and that's all. I don't even have that spare handkerchief I brought, and that was hand-stitched silk.' He pounded a fist against his thigh. 'I'm gonna get that computer.' 

'You can't, that bear'll attack you too. And if it doesn't, who knows what else there could be?' Kochanski said. 'We have to keep working, it's the only way ELF's going to let us go.' 

'We could try and make a break for _Starbug_ by going out of the side and around the ship,' Lister said. 

'Are you serious?' asked Rimmer. 'There's a perpetual snowstorm out there. Visibility's so poor it's less than nothing. You wouldn't make it a foot.' He shuddered. 'Besides, whatever both Kris and I have now heard is out there, and if it's half as hungry as it sounded, I wouldn't want to go out there anyway,' he added. 

'What _did_ you hear, Miss Kochanski?' Kryten asked. 

'It was a sort of howl, a sort of growl,' Kochanski said. She shuddered. 'It was horrible, but I didn't want to wake you, Dave. And I only heard it once anyway. I thought it might have been the wind, but if Rimmer says he heard it...' 

'I did hear it. And I'd been hearing it since we first got here.' Rimmer leaned forward. 'And it's getting louder, and I think that means... it's getting closer.' 

The five of them exchanged a long look, then without any hesitation jumped into each other's arms. 

'This is like camping horror stories,' Kochanski said, her teeth chattering. 

'We've got to get out of here,' Lister said, and the others agreed. 

* * *

The welder stopped hissing. Lister lifted the facemask, pretending to wipe sweat from his forehead, and strolled casually towards the nearest large gap in the wall. Snow was piled up around it. Lister picked up the gas-axe they had been using to trim and shape the metal panels and began to melt a hole in the ice covering the gap. 

'WHAT IS LISTER DOING?' demanded ELF. 

'Taking a cigarette break. It's essential. My body cannot function without nicotine,' he added. 

'THE OTHERS DO NOT HAVE THIS PROBLEM,' ELF said. 

'They haven't been smokers since they were sixteen,' Lister said. 'Look, let me get on with it, OK? Sooner I finish this butt, the sooner I can get back to fixing your precious _Elara_.' 

ELF thought about it. 'ALL RIGHT. LISTER HAS FIVE MINUTES.' 

Lister prayed it would be enough and continued melting a hole in the ice. 

* * *

Three minutes later he was outside, battling through the heavy flying snow. A rope was around his waist for guidance, knotted at the other end around a strut supporting the ship's hull. 

He moved as fast as he could -- Kris and the others hadn't approved of his plan, and they didn't know that he was doing this. 

Shadows loomed through the fog, and faded. From somewhere nearby came the sound of which Kochanski and Rimmer had spoken -- the guttural growl-howl which didn't seem to belong to any of the creatures Lister knew of. 

There was a different howl closer still. This one he recognised. This one was a wolf. Lister froze, then kept moving, fingers trailing along the ship's hull. A sudden yank on his rope threatened to topple him, but he put it down to the strong wind and continued onwards. 

* * *

When Kochanski had realised that Lister was missing, she immediately started planning what she'd do to him when she found him. Nasty stuff it was too. But Rimmer's cry of discovery stopped her train of thought. 

Rimmer was holding the rope just above where it was tied to the strut. 'I think he's gone outside,' he said. 

'It would certainly seem that way,' Kochanski muttered. 'I'll go after him.' 

'No, I'll go,' said Rimmer, surprising her. 'It's freezing out there, and I'm wearing more than you.' It was true. Kochanski watched him make his way through the hole in the hull and kept her fingers crossed that they would both come back safely. 

* * *

Lister was inside _Starbug_ and looking for the spare bazookoids when he realised that the ones they'd taken with them were stacked on the table, in the same haphazard fashion as the sheets of metal had been. 

'There is something very strange going on here,' he said aloud. 

'That's right,' answered a voice from the airlock. Lister whirled, aiming one of the bazookoids, and saw only Rimmer. 'Relax, it's just me.' 

'What're you doing here?' Lister asked. 

'Well, Kochanski was a tad peeved when she realised you'd gone. She was going to come after you, but I offered to instead. Thought I'd warn you about what she intends to do to you with a rusty butter knife,' Rimmer grinned. 

Lister laughed. 'She'll get over it, she always does. Come on, we've got to take these and blast that door back open, destroy ELF and get the others out of here.' 

'I'm up for that,' Rimmer said. 

Lister gave him a look. 'What's with _you_ today? You didn't just come in here to hide under the scanner table, for once,' he said. 

'I decided to stop being stupid... WHAT'S THAT NOISE?' Rimmer gasped, jumping as a loud growl ripped through the landing bay. He grabbed at a bazookoid, hands trembling, and looked at Lister. 

'I dunno,' Lister said grimly, 'but I'm gonna find out.' He checked that his bazookoid was loaded with live rounds and crossed to the airlock, which was open. 'Come on.' Rimmer followed him, knees trembling, and they closed the inner door. The outer door slid open almost immediately, and after taking a look through it, they really wished it hadn't. 

Pacing the floor directly in front of the landing ramp were a group of animals. The smallest were spiders like the one which had landed on Kochanski. There were a couple of penguins which didn't look in the least bit threatening. The animals which _were_ threatening were the two large polar bears, and the snow leopard which sat in the main entrance to the rest of the _Elara_ , its tail curled around its paws. 

'Oh smeg,' Rimmer whimpered, aiming at the nearest of the bears and firing. The bear quickly became an ex-bear. Lister took out the second one just as quickly. Sensing trouble, the snow leopard fled. The penguins stayed as the spiders scuttled deeper into the ship. 

'They don't look too bad,' said Lister. 

'Have you ever seen _The Birds_?' 

Nevertheless, they advanced down the landing ramp and towards the small birds. The penguins squawked indignantly and one made a dart at Rimmer's ankle, pecking. Rimmer swatted it with the bazookoid and they kept walking. 

Soon they were at the sealed airlock door. The activate button wouldn't work from this side either. Shouting 'Kris, if you're there, get away from the door!' Lister started firing volley after volley at it, hoping to break through. Rimmer hesitated, then started firing at the other edge of the door. 

The door was obliterated within fifteen minutes. All was silent on the other side. Lister called Kochanski and the others, but got no response. The pair walked down the rec room corridor, looking all around, but saw nobody. The rec room was deserted. Not even the blankets they had used and the food scraps they had left from lunch were there. 

Rimmer scratched at the bandages on his left hand. 'I wish I knew where they were,' he said. 'Seven months I've been on bloody _Starbug_ , I've only been off it overnight and already I can't wait to be safely back inside it and about fifty thousand miles from here.' 

'Well, we're not leaving without the others, and that's that,' Lister said. 

'I never said we should leave without them, I just said...' 

This time they both heard the growl-howl outside, and jumped into each others' arms without even thinking about it. 

'I really, really don't wanna know what that is,' Lister said. 

'Me either,' Rimmer agreed. He disengaged himself from Lister's arms and readied his bazookoid. 'But I have the feeling that at some point, we're going to find out, whether we like it or not. It's definitely coming closer.' 

'It wasn't even as close as that when I was outside,' Lister said with a nod. 'Come on. We'll seal off this section and keep searching. They've got to be somewhere.' 

* * *

Half an hour earlier, Kochanski had watched Rimmer go out into the storm, the rope he was making his way by not even tied to his waist. She could only assume that Dave had the other end tied to him, as the coil at the bottom of the strut grew smaller and smaller. 

Kryten joined her after a few minutes. 'I can't find him anywhere, ma'am,' he puffed, out of breath after running through most of the ship. 

'He's gone out there,' Kochanski said. 'Rimmer's followed him.' She sighed, then laughed. 'I don't know if I'll reprimand them or recommend them for medals when they get back.' 

'But where have they gone?' Kryten said. 

'They're headed for the landing bay. They're going to open the door for us so we can get out of here,' Kochanski said. 

'Oh, that's wonderful!' Kryten enthused. 'Where's Mr Cat?' 

'He's taking a nap in the rec room...' 

'No, I'm here,' put in the Cat, wandering up from the rec room. He yawned. 'Do we have to keep working?' 

The polar bear appeared at the doorway to the computer room. And, terribly, it spoke. The lips, the mouth working in ways that no polar bear's lips and mouth were ever intended to. 

'YOU WILL WORK NOW. ELF COMMANDS IT.' 

Kochanski screamed. Kryten caught her as she reeled backwards. 

'Pick up the welder,' he hissed at the Cat. The Cat hesitated. 'Quick!' The feline grabbed the tool and began welding the closest panel over the hole. The polar bear vanished back into the computer room and Kryten let Kochanski go. 

'Did you...' 

'Yes.' 

'How?' 

'I believe it's controlling the animals,' Kryten said. 'Like ours, their nervous systems run on electrical impulses. It's using radio waves to control their bodies and mouths. That bear did not really talk, though: it was ELF opening its mouth and projecting its voice.' 

'Do you think so?' Kochanski said, holding the metal for the Cat. 

'Yes, ma'am.' 

'Why wouldn't ELF just control us then?' asked the Cat. 

'Perhaps,' Kryten said, 'we're too intelligent for it.' 

They worked in silence for a few minutes, trying to listen over the endless storm for the sounds of the airlock opening with their salvation. Before they heard anything, however, a large animal dashed past them and into the computer room. 

'What was that?' Kochanski gasped. 

'I think it was a cat,' the Cat said. His smooth brow wrinkled in confusion. 'If it was a cat, it was a pretty big one...' 

Kryten was about to access the memory and freeze-frame the image to see what it had been, when the polar bear emerged from the computer room again. It carried no weapon, but had a menacing look on its furry face. It raised one paw and, before Kryten could call out a warning, it swatted the Cat across the head with it. The feline crumpled to the floor. Kochanski took two running steps before it got her too. Kryten couldn't even move before everything went dark. 

* * *

Her head ached. Ow. It felt like someone had hit her with a large sledgehammer -- or that snow shovel she'd had earlier. 

Kochanski tried to stand up, couldn't, and realised that this was not entirely due to her headache. Her ankles were tied to something. Blinking to clear her eyes, she realised that the something was the Cat's ankles. Kryten's blocky feet were there as well, so the three of them were tied together. Her hands were tied behind her back, but tied to the others she couldn't even do that trick where she stepped backwards through the loop to bring them in front of her. 

She tried to rationalise the situation. OK. They'd been taken captive by a crazed computer in a polar bear's body. 

There was _nothing_ rational about that!

'Kryten! Cat!' 

They weren't even _moving_. God, were they still alive? Please be alive. Please. 

The door was closed. Kochanski filled her lungs and yelled for Dave as loudly as she could. 

Somewhere very close by, the growl-howl echoed again. Well, the howler would just have to suffer by itself. She wasn't going to look for it to give it a cuddle and a cuppa. In fact, in this state she wasn't going to be offering anyone a cuddle and a cuppa, unless they had a nice sharp knife to cut these ropes with. 

Hang on. How did the polar bear tie her up? 

In her mind's eye she saw it, the clumsy paws trying to knot the rope. Perhaps failing a few times before securing a granny-knot or two. 

Methodically, Kochanski began testing the ropes for weak points. There had to be some here somewhere. First her ankles, bound to the others -- those were fairly well done. She saw the bear tightening the ropes with its teeth and shuddered. 

ELF saw them through the eyes of the animals, that much was apparent. The polar bear was probably a CIA member with a season pass to the Pentagon. _Yeah right Kris. You're hallucinating._

There was a weak point in the knot at her wrists. Yelling for Dave again, she began to turn her hands, trying to reach the knot. 

'I WOULD NOT DO THAT IF I WERE YOU,' said ELF's voice. Kochanski looked around and saw a large cat with fluffy grey-white fur, patterned like a leopard, sitting on a console licking its paw. 

'Do _what_?' 

'HELP WILL NOT COME. THEY WILL LEAVE. THEN YOU WILL WORK FOR ELF.' The snow leopard regarded her with calm blue eyes even as ELF worked its mouth into a smile. 

Kochanski ignored it and went back to work on the ropes. 

Suddenly the snow leopard leapt down from the console, padding a hand's breadth from where Kochanski sat. It went to the door, which opened, and exited. The door closed again before Kochanski could call for Dave. 

She went back to work on the ropes, feeling her hands become slick with sweat. That was both good and bad -- she might be able to slip out of the ropes, but if she couldn't then she'd be unable to undo the knot. 

Taking a deep breath, Kochanski slowly started pulling her hands through the rope. 

* * *

In the hub of the ship, an embittered quarrel was taking place. 

'Why would they go anywhere near the computer room? There's no reason for them to!' yelled Lister. 

'That's exactly why I think they'd go there,' said Rimmer. 'Maybe they found a way to attack that bear and decided to go after ELF.' 

'And maybe they rode off on a unicorn,' said Lister. He thumped the butt of his bazookoid into the floor angrily and it went off, firing a round into the ceiling and sending metal and plaster raining around them. When the dust subsided Lister led the way out of the hub, heading for the kitchens. 

* * *

Long workbenches stretched out for yards. The industrial-sized oven indicated that even if the _Elara_ had only had the small crew the amount of sleeping quarters suggested, they were all prodigious eaters. 

Lister and Rimmer moved along the rows, calling the others softly, but getting no response. 

Behind them, the kitchen door swung open. There was the click of claws on tile as something entered. 

'Lister...' 

Lister spun around and hissed as he met the inscrutable gaze of the snow leopard which stood in the doorway. He got off one shot with the bazookoid before the load indicator showed 'EMPTY'. 

'Rimmer, shoot it!' 

Rimmer complied, aiming and firing, but his bazookoid didn't even manage one shot. 'Empty!' 

'It must've been from doing the door... why didn't I think of this earlier?' Lister smacked himself in the forehead. 

'It doesn't matter. We have to find another way out of here,' Rimmer said. He advanced towards the big cat, which was making low growling noises. The sound increased in volume and menace with each faltering step Rimmer took. 

'What the smeg are you _doing_?' 

'Come on Listy, we can hit it with this!' Rimmer swung the bazookoid and grinned maniacally. 

'Are you mad?' Lister stared at him. 

'No, I'm insane,' Rimmer said. He lifted the bazookoid and seemed ready to throw it, but then the cat moved and he lowered it again. 'Come on! I need your help!' 

'I'm not going near that thing, you're nuts!' 

'Don't you want to find Kris? COME ON!' 

Lister reluctantly walked forward. The snow leopard was evidently confused at this behaviour. It began to growl extremely loudly, then hissed, showing sharp fangs. 

'Yeah, says you,' Rimmer said to it. He was two and a half yards away and still walking. The bazookoid made a nice swishy noise when he swung it. He swung it again. 

Swish. 

The leopard took a step back. 

Swish. 

Lister and Rimmer took two steps forward. 

Swish. 

The leopard crouched low, growling, and sprang. Lister ducked and it went right over him, landing on a benchtop with a surprised expression on its face as it went skidding along, hitting its head on various pots hung from the ceiling. It flew off the end, hit the wall, and fell to the floor, where it lay still. 

'I think it's out cold,' Rimmer said, squinting through the darkness at it. 'Come on, if we turn all these stoves and stuff on it'll burn dry and the place will catch fire. Then nobody else'll get caught.' He moved to the nearest stove. Lister looked at him, shaking his head. 

'Rimmer. What has gotten into you?' 

Rimmer stopped, his hands on the stove dials. He had discarded his bazookoid. 'I had a dream last night. My father and my mother and my brothers were all there laughing at me, except it wasn't a memory. It was me now. And I realised that I can't let myself be controlled by fear any more. Hate can conquer fear, so I convince myself that I hate the bear, hate the leopard, hate ELF, and I can do anything I want,' he said. He turned the stove dials up to full, two by two, both hands working. 

'Sounds like all you've ever needed is a decent psychoanalyst,' Lister commented. 

Rimmer laughed. 'Maybe so. Come on, let's get this done then blow this taco stand.' 

Lister shook his head and walked to the other side of the room. 

* * *

Ten minutes later they were running for their lives. 

The snow leopard had stretched, stood up, shaken off the effects of being repeatedly whanged over the head with various cooking utensils, and attacked them. 

'There... is... no... way... to... outrun... it...' Lister puffed as they skidded into the hub. The leopard had been slow to start with, but was shaking off the effects and getting faster. And louder. 

Rimmer pointed upwards. 'There!' 

For a second Lister thought he meant to pray or something, then he looked up and saw the hole in the ceiling, and understood. Rimmer made a step with his hands and boosted the Scouser upward. As soon as Lister was halfway into the hole, legs kicking in midair, Rimmer jumped for the other side of the hole and hauled himself up. He grabbed Lister's arm and hauled him all the way in just as the leopard made a leap for his dangling feet. 

Lister sat still, panting. Rimmer looked around and made a decision. 

'This way.' 

'Where are we going?' 

'The computer room.' 

Lister was too exhausted to argue. 

* * *

Kochanski's hands were nearly free when she heard the scraping over head. A shower of plaster fell, finely coating her skin and hair. She coughed, and heard a male voice raised in excitement. Then part of the ceiling opened up to admit two very dusty, very tired technicians. 

'Dave!' 

'Kris, what happened?' He pulled out his Swiss Army knife and started cutting the ropes. As soon as her hands were free she grabbed him and kissed him long and hard. He grinned sheepishly. 

'Hope the Cat doesn't do that...' 

Rimmer was trying to wake the feline. 'What happened to you?' he asked over his shoulder. 

'We were attacked by the polar bear,' Kryten said, coming back on line at that very moment. 'It's powerful. We have to get out. Did you bring weapons?' 

'A few, but they got used up when we were busting down the airlock door,' Lister replied, cutting the ankle ropes. He moved to Kryten's hands and freed the mechanoid. 

'Then we're going to have to go through the ducts like you did,' Kochanski said. 'Wake the Cat up and let's get out of here.' 

* * *

Somewhere along the line they'd made a wrong turning. A soft steady thud they had taken for the sound of the _Elara's_ mechanical systems was getting louder and closer. And twice they'd heard the growl-howl, which was also getting louder and closer. 

'I'm not looking forward to meeting that Howler,' Lister said. 

Kochanski shuddered. 'Me either.' 

Rimmer looked around the next corner. 'Oh smeg...' His voice was a high-pitched squeak. Lister looked and saw what had frightened him so much. 

The spider rose on its jointed legs, mandibles clicking hungrily. All eight of its beady eyes were clearly visible, gleaming with hunger. It stalked towards the frozen group, each step covering a lot of ground. 

For this spider's legs were at least six foot long. 

It towered over them, a drop of poison falling from one shiny fang to burn a hole in the metal floor of the duct. Rimmer's fingernails dug into the back of Lister's hands, but Lister barely noticed as the monster came closer. 

'How the hell did that get that big?' The Cat's voice was indignantly scared. 

'I don't think I even want to _think_ abou...' Kochanski's voice was cut off by her own scream as the spider charged...


	2. Howler

'How the hell did that get that big?' The Cat's voice was indignantly scared. 

'I don't think I even want to _think_ abou...' Kochanski's voice was cut off by her own scream as the spider charged. 

They had been crawling through this duct for what seemed hours. The smell of smoke was becoming threateningly strong. Then they'd rounded the wrong corner and come across the mother of all Theridiidae. 

Kochanski knew this to be the scientific name of the black widow, but thought this might be a bad time to mention it. 

'That's uglier than your mother, Rimsy,' Lister cracked, trying to keep the fear off his face as the spider snapped up a passing fly in one mouthful. 

'At least it's better looking than you, Listy,' Rimmer said, trying not to throw up. He dug his fingernails out of the back of Lister's hand and covered his mouth, retching. 

'Run,' was everyone's vote, and they began backing hurriedly down the duct. Surprisingly the spider was turning its back on them. Was it going away? 

Strands of something sticky fell softly over Lister's face and hands. He yelped in surprise, and tried to bat it away. It stuck tightly and then he couldn't move his hands. More strands of the stuff came floating along, touching the others, covering them, making them helpless. 

'We're stuck in its web!' Kochanski yelled. 

Lister realised she was right, and started struggling. Beside him, Rimmer was kicking his right leg, the only part of him which was free. The spider looked at the leg. Looked at Lister. Looked at the leg. 

Then lunged forward and bit. 

Rimmer screamed in pain and rage and yanked harder on the silken cords covering his body. They began to tear apart. Rimmer hopped to his free leg, which almost gave way under him, and started attacking the giant black widow. 

More drops of poison fell from the spider's curved fangs. They pooled on the floor. Lister saw an opportunity and wiggled to the closest one, gingerly dipping what he could of the cords into it. 

They melted. 

Lister kept working as Rimmer fought the monster. From its agonised squeals he was doing it some serious damage, and when Lister looked it appeared Rimmer was threatening the arachnid with one of its own hairy legs. Blood poured from the ugly gouge where it had been, and blood trickled in a steady runnel from Rimmer's thigh where he had been bitten. 

He was free and helping Kochanski and Kryten with their bonds – the Cat was nearly free anyway, having caught the least of the web – when Rimmer started losing. The poison of the spider was affecting his systems, and his right leg was becoming paralysed. He kept beating at the spider with its own leg, kicking with his good leg as he struggled to keep his balance on a leg that would barely hold him. Lister left the others and ran to help him, adding his strength to the attack and trying to hold the Second Technician up at the same time. 

Rimmer was losing his strength rapidly. And they still had to get out of here. 

Lister jumped, trying to forget his fear of spiders and not succeeding very well. He caught the beast's head and poked at its eyes, each the size of a golf ball. The black widow hissed and clicked, but Lister blinded it. Then he grabbed its fang, ignoring the burn of the poison on his skin, and pulled it off. Dropping back to the ground, he rammed the fang into the spider's leg like a dagger. The spider let out an agonised squeal and fell back, clicking, to scuttle back to its lair. 

'Let's get out of here,' Lister said. He helped Rimmer to stand. Rimmer's face was pale, sweat beading all over it as he bit his lower lip. 

They hurried along the ducts, every turning probably wrong, every guess probably a bad one, and weren't too surprised when they did, in fact, come out of the ducts in the landing bay. 

Of course, it wasn't going to be that easy to escape. 

* * *

The front ranks of ELF's army were the spiders. Little black widows, normal sized rather than the mutant they had already encountered; brown recluse spiders, also known as fiddlebacks, whose bite spoiled the skin with its poison. Next were the penguins, which didn't look particularly menacing, but had sharp beaks and were evil-eyeing the humans. The back rank was made up of a group of five polar bears. All were growling menacingly. 

Rimmer hung between Lister and Kryten, nearly dead. His eyes rolled in his head, his mouth hung slackly open and every breath was a torture to draw. His entire lower body was almost paralysed by the poison, and even he knew that he didn't have much longer. 

'What do we do now?' Kochanski whispered. 

ELF's voice answered her. 

'I WILL CALL OFF THE ANIMALS IF YOU WORK. REPAIR THE _ELARA_. THEN I WILL LET YOU GO.' 

'No way, smeghead,' Rimmer said painfully. He put his feet down, wincing, and took first one step, then another. 

'What are you doing?' asked Lister. 

'I'm a poisoned bait.' 

'Rimmer, no,' Kochanski said, realising what he was about to do. 

Rimmer gave them a smile. It was a real smile, not his fake pinched-lips effort. 'If you meet up with Yvonne McGruder... tell her I'd've liked another date.' Then he walked forward, towards the animals. 

They fell on him. 

* * *

Twenty minutes later the last of the animals lay dead or dying around the landing bay. Kochanski kept her face covered. So did Lister. Kryten and the Cat guided them towards Starbug. 

'STOP.' 

They did, not even thinking about it. Suddenly Kochanski was on the floor, her face being smeared with blood, as the snow leopard had pounced. She screamed, and the leopard echoed her with a growl. Lister grabbed the closest front paw, opening his eyes, trying not to see the blood and think about whose it was. 

The claws dug into Kochanski's back, making holes, making her scream. Kryten tore off his own head and hit the leopard with it, with no effect. The Cat raced into _Starbug_ , apparently to get away. 

'CAT!' Lister shrieked. 'HELP!' 

There was the sound of things falling inside _Starbug_. A stray penguin flew out of the doorway, propelled by the Cat's boot. The Cat himself followed it, a bazookoid in his hands. 

'Get away! Give me a clear field!' he yelled. Lister and Kryten backed off. The leopard lowered its head to bite Kochanski – 

\- and had it blown off. 

'Yeah!' Lister cheered the Cat, who grinned. Snow blew around them, the wind freezing. 

'I thought the landing bay was sealed,' Kochanski said suspiciously, getting up with a cry of pain. 

The door was open. The growl-howl sounded from just outside it. 

'RUN!' Lister yelled hustling them up into Starbug hitting the buttons to raise the ramp and close the airlock as the Cat raced through into the cockpit and started the engines and Kochanski tried to sit down but screamed when anything touched her back and ordered the Cat to go full speed ahead and Kryten started a class one stress attack trying to replace his head and nearly failing and Lister was running into the cockpit... 

The Howler was ahead of them, a shadow in the fog and snow. Lister caught a glimpse of ominous red eyes, a hulking body and the shine of _Starbug_ 's lights off fangs bigger than the spider's. 

ELF's voice was in the computer, yelling at them to come back and work and 

in the Howler, tearing from a strange throat, threatening them and 

in the air as a radio transmission and 

they covered their ears as the Cat blasted up to full speed ahead and they screamed past the Howler, knocking it onto its back as they jetted out into the atmosphere of the ice planet. 

* * *

They orbited slowly above the surface, hearing ELF's cries for help getting weaker and weaker. The fire was a glacé cherry on an ice cream sundae, the blaze bit by bit destroying the _Elara_ and everything on board it. 

The Howler lay in the open doorway to the landing bay, its shadowy form mindlessly jittering as the nerves in its body operated independently of each other, ELF's death throes being personified in the strange shape nobody had been able to identify – or wanted to. 

Lister sat and stared out of the front window. The Cat guided Starbug on its lazy path around the planetoid. Kochanski and Kryten were in the medi-bay, trying to fix Kochanski's back. She had lost a lot of blood in the escape from the Elara. 

There was an explosion, silent to the silent observers, as the _Elara_ 's fuel tank blew. ELF screamed in a childish voice, begging for mercy. The Howler's body shook like an epileptic's. 

'I can't believe it. He's dead. Again,' Lister said after a long while. Below, the fire was beginning to die down; ELF was silent and the Howler was no longer moving. 

The Cat put a hand on his shoulder, unable to speak, trying to comfort him and failing. He let the human hug him, tears soaking into the feline's battered suit. 

'Aren't there any light bees on board, Bud?' 

'No.' The single word said all the Cat needed to know. 

'I guess it _will_ be weird without him around,' he admitted before finally breaking down himself. The two held each other and cried as _Starbug_ continued its slow orbit around the dead ice planet. 

* * *

Four days later... 

_Starbug_ limped along in space, the fuel tanks dangerously low, the engines spluttering like someone who was drinking a coffee and just got told his wife was sleeping with the plumber. 

The Cat rubbed his tired eyes for the third time in as many minutes. Behind him, Kochanski read out course directions in a dead voice, directing him to change and change again. Kryten monitored the long-range scanner for any new craft reports. 

Lister wasn't there. 

Lister had, in fact, locked himself in his room four days ago and refused to come out or even open the door. Kochanski had resorted to leaving food outside the door for him, though he hadn't touched it, not even his favourite triple-fried-egg chilli-chutney sandwich, the one which had now melted. 

'There. Turn left,' Kochanski said. 

'Scanning,' Kryten said. 

The Cat thumped a hand into the console. 'This is a load of smeg! We're not gonna find a damn thing!' He started sobbing. Kochanski got up to hug him and suddenly spotted something on her console. 

'Look.' No response. She said it louder. 'LOOK!' 

Kryten looked. 

'Derelict, Cat! Only five klicks away! Quadrant 7-one-0 stroke L8-3, not moving! Keep going, straight ahead!' 

Within a few minutes the derelict was visible, a skeletal black ship turning lazily in Space. It looked as if it had already been stripped down, but as _Starbug_ got closer, they realised it wasn't. 

'Hologram projected to deceive looters,' Kryten said, fingers dancing on his keyboard. 

'Did you say hologram?' Kris asked. 

'Yes...' Kryten realised what she was on about and leapt up, waddling as fast as he could out of the cockpit and up the stairs, shouting 'MR LISTER!' as he went. 

* * *

They boarded the ship after Holly informed them it was completely devoid of life, not so much as a mouse in a stasis booth was present. Furthermore, the computer wasn't a raving nutter, but a smooth-talking female who quickly informed them that this was a military ship, the crew were dead, and they were welcome to whatever they wanted. 

'What's this ship called, Hol?' Lister asked, leading the way, carrying a bazookoid just in case. 

'The M.S.S. – Military Space Ship – Titania. And my name is Tell, I am the ship's computer,' the computer told them. Lister turned his Holly-watch back off and decided to listen to Tell. 

Tell directed them to the fuel cache, to the food supplies, to everything they asked for. Lister went through the Hologram Projection Suite – a much classier one than the one on Red Dwarf – and found not one but eight light bees. Only two looked conventional, however – the other six were smaller, more aerodynamic, than the others. Lister pocketed them all. 

Kryten moved around the ship, finding the dry skeletons of the dead crew members and disposing of them all. There were seventeen in all, most with the mouldering remains of military uniform draped over their bones. 

Kochanski moved the food, loading boxes and bags onto a trolley and riding it down the corridors. There was a jubilant air to the whole proceedings, a sense that things were going to go their way this time. 

The trouble started when they had refuelled and fully stocked the ship's cargo bays, when they were virtually ready to leave. Tell didn't want them to go. 

'I'm lonely,' she said. 

'You've been here for years. Can't you terminate yourself?' Lister asked, unwilling to let a computer's problems interfere this time. 

Tell was shocked. 'Suicide?' She shook her head – on the monitor, she had short black hair and it barely moved when she moved. 'I can't do that!' 

'Great, a computer with moral standards,' grumbled Lister. 'Let's get out of here.' He turned to leave and a grille slammed down, blocking their access to the landing bay. 

'I think not,' said Tell, her voice growing hard. 'This ship needs a crew. You will crew it.' 

'This is just like ELF,' Kochanski muttered. Taking a step back, she kicked the grille. It crumbled and fell to the floor, dust. 

'No!' screamed Tell, her voice high like a child's. 

She continued to try and block their passage the whole way, but Kochanski or Kryten always broke down the doors, grilles, or whatever she put in the way. 

* * *

Soon they were back on _Starbug_ , moving away from the Titania. Kochanski opened a comms channel with the ship and when she felt they were far enough away gave the simple order 'Destruct'. 

The Titania imploded. 

Kochanski watched it for a few seconds, then checked that Holly was managing the autopilot and ran to meet the others in the medi-bay. 

* * *

Lister flicked the switch on the light bee as the other four watched, even Holly keeping tabs from her monitor on the wall. Her face became a small feature in the upper left-hand corner as the statistics pertaining to the light bee appeared on the screen. 

'Would you like to alter characteristics?' she asked. 

'Hol, what is this? You can't just change people like that, the program doesn't permit it,' Lister said. 

'This one does,' Holly said. 'Are you going to change anything, or what?' 

The others exchanged glances. 

'We could make him less cowardly,' said Kochanski. 

'We could make him less thick,' said Lister. 

'We could make him less obnoxious,' said the Cat. 

'We could make him less ugly,' giggled Kryten. 

'I think you should leave him the way he is,' said Holly. 'There's going to be enough trouble combining the two sets of information I've got, let alone changing any of it.' 

'What two sets of information?' Lister asked. 

'The one from the previous Rimmer, who became Ace, and the set that this Rimmer recorded two weeks ago and has been updating ever since,' Holly said. 

'So he'll remember everythin', not just this time?' Lister asked. 'Can't you program just one set in?' 

Holly shook her head. 'It doesn't work that way,' she said, 'the program takes all the information recorded in his name, you can't edit it.' 

'But you couldn't edit his characteristics before either,' said Lister, 'what if now you _can_ change the information?' 

'I think she should do it anyway,' said Kryten surprisingly, 'because remember that the old Mr Rimmer was nicer than this version? Maybe the two will combine and become that nicer version, just with more memories.' 

'Or he could become a complete scumbag,' Lister muttered. The light bee was hovering impatiently mid-air. He turned to Holly. 'OK, let's do it.' 

Particles of light solidified around the light bee. First the vague outline of a man appeared, then as more and more particles fell into place it became recognisable as Rimmer. Standing in the usual 'paused-hologram' pose of head down, hands at sides, waiting to be fully formed. Holly's voice spoke again. 

'Loading characteristics.' 

This light bee was fast! Even the neuroses, which usually took longer to load than it took to persuade the Cat not to curl his leg hairs in the cockpit, loaded with a single blip! sound that sounded brisk and efficient. Soon Rimmer stood, fully formed, as a hard light hologram. He opened his eyes. 

'God... what the smeg happened?' His eyes lit on Lister. 'What are you... where am I?' He turned in a slow circle. 'Where did she... why aren't we... didn't I die?' 

Lister seized the coherent question. 'Frequently.' 

'I'm confused,' Rimmer said plaintively, sitting down on the edge of the bunk. He missed, and landed on the floor. 

'Can I have a minute with him?' Lister asked. The others nodded and left them, but not before Kochanski hugged Rimmer and pressed something into his hand. 

Rimmer opened his hand when they had left to see a small metal badge with the words FOURTH CONSOLE OFFICER embossed on it. 'I'm an officer? I was never an officer,' he said. 

'You're an officer now, Rimsy,' Lister said quietly. 'For saving all our lives. We agreed on it before we brought you back.' _And also agreed not to let you outrank_ all _of us,_ he added mentally. 

Rimmer rubbed his temples, closing his eyes with a soft sigh of confusion. 'I died in an accident. I _caused_ Kochanski's death. But then she came from another dimension after I left as Ace. I remember you telling me about that in the Brig,' he said. 'Why can I remember both?' 

'You've got a double set of memories,' Lister explained. 'From the first time, when you were a hologram, before you – the other you -- left to become Ace, and from when you were resurrected by the nanobots and all that.' 

Hands over face. 

'Sorry, it wasn't really logical, was it?' 

Shake of the head. Same unruly brown hair. It was definitely Rimmer on the outside. But it was two Rimmers on the inside. 

Lister touched the back of the hologram's head. 'Hey. You'll get used to it,' he said semi-comfortingly. 'All you have to do is remember how it happened that you got two memories and you'll be fine.' 

Rimmer consented to lift his head. 'This is like a Stephen King book,' he said, getting up. 

'I thought he wrote horror.' 

'That's what I meant,' said Rimmer. 

* * *

Lister and Kochanski lay in the darkness, his arm curled possessively around her waist, drowsing in the afterglow. 

'How's Rimmer holding up?' her voice asked, chasing sleep away again. 

'I think he's doing OK,' Lister said into her hair. 'He seems to be coping with the dual memories, in a way at least. I think the biggest shock for him was being made an officer. It's what he's always wanted.' 

There was a knock on the door. Kochanski pulled the sheet over her head and sighed. 'If that's him now, wanting to gloat about being an officer, I'm going to kill him again.' 

It wasn't. It was Kryten. His plastic face was puckered into what Lister correctly interpreted as 'worry'. 'Sir, I think you should know that Mr Rimmer has barricaded himself in the cockpit and has changed our direction.' 

'What? Where's he taking us?' Lister asked, jumping out of bed and looking for his underpants. 

'Back to the S.S.S. _Elara_.' 

* * *

The ice planet was blue in the distance ahead. Rimmer had set the ship for full speed ahead: they should be there in under twenty minutes. He sat in the pilot's seat, hands on the steering yoke, humming a happy little tune to himself even as the others pounded on the door, seeking admission. They beseeched Holly to open the door, but Rimmer had put in an override and Holly couldn't do it even if she wanted to. Which she did. She had no desire to go back to that planet... she had heard ELF speaking and knew of the insanity that ran through its mind. 

* * *

The _Titania_ and the _Elara_ were close together on the surface of the planet. The holograms which had made it appear as if both were destroyed were turned off. Tell had heard the ELF's distress call, responded, and been drawn into its plan to have the _Elara_ reconstructed. 

The ELF had not previously manifested itself as either male or female, but with Tell to guide it, it chose a male face from the data banks. Then they waited until the light bee was activated. Their combined power soon took over the electronic life form that was the hologram Rimmer, and ordered him to turn _Starbug_ around. Flying at full speed, boosted by the power of the two computers, it would take a fraction of the time to go back that it had taken to escape. 

And then the _Elara_ would be fixed. 

Tell was amused by the ELF's singlemindedness, impressed by his command of the animals – which he had summoned more of after the poisoning of the first team – and awed by his will to survive. The only reason that Tell had not terminated herself after being alone for the last two hundred years was that her creators had built a Catholic Belief chip into her hardware, and so she believed that suicide was a sin. 

The ELF had no such belief, but stayed alive merely because being dead wouldn't be very fun. 

Tell quickly learned the ways to control the animals 'electronically', taking over their minds by controlling the electrical nerve impulses. She was disappointed that the giant spider the group had encountered in the duct was dead – apparently by its own poison – but found herself some other animals instead. ELF instructed her in the best ways to control the animals, giving her a crash course in dictatorship. 

'You're a star pupil, Tell,' ELF commended her. 

'And you are an excellent teacher, ELF,' Tell replied. 'Now, how far away are the humans?' 

ELF checked. 'Approximately five minutes. Then they will be here, and we can start the repairs of the _Elara_.' 

Tell was getting sick of the ELF's singlemindedness. 

* * *

The pounding on the cockpit door distracted Rimmer momentarily, but not enough to stop him from what he was doing. Which was, at the present moment, steering _Starbug_ into the _Elara_ 's landing bay. The Howler's body was missing from the entrance, but he paid no attention to that either. 

* * *

'He's not responding,' Lister said. 

'That's obvious,' Kochanski replied. 

Lister kicked the door again just for good measure, although it didn't do anything. 

'Why is he doing this? Why isn't he full-speeding _away_ from the damn ship?' asked the Cat. 

'I believe that becoming a completely electronic life form has made it possible for the ELF to take control of him the way it did those animals,' Kryten said. 'If it did it when he was first forming, he would have been vulnerable, open to attack.' 

'But the ELF is dead,' said Lister with a frown. 

'Was,' Kochanski corrected. 'I think it was some kind of illusion... hey, what's that?' she added, pointing to Holly's screen. The screen was showing an outside view of the craft and they could clearly see what appeared to be a black tower jutting from the snow. 

'The ship's identification is the _Titania_ ,' Holly said. 

'That's the one we were on before. Maybe the ELF was hurt by the fire, but Tell somehow joined forces with it and helped it to regenerate,' Kochanski said. 

The Cat grinned at her admiringly. 'You've got such a way with words... wish I knew what they meant,' he added ruefully. 

Kochanski grinned back. 'Silly Cat,' she said. 'The computer on the second ship is working with the computer on the first ship.' 

'We think,' Kryten contributed. 

'In most cases...' said Holly. 

'Hol, shut up,' said Lister, kicking the cockpit door again. 

'Holly, I order you to open that door,' Kochanski said in a no-nonsense tone. 

Holly shook her head, her blonde hair swaying. 'No can do. Like I said, Rimmer's put in an override.' 

'What kind of override?' the Cat asked. 

'The kind where he's taken control because the rest of the crew are legally insane.' 

'What? We're not legally insane!' Kochanski exclaimed. She paced the room, stopping in front of Holly's screen. 'Do we look insane to you?' 

'Well, quite frankly, yes,' Holly confessed. 

'I don't believe this,' Lister said. 'We're stuck three million years into Deep Space and even the computers are a bigger bunch of bananas than you'd find in your average fruit shop.' 

'Oi,' said Holly. 'That's not very nice.' 

'He's got PMT,' Kochanski said, but quietly, so Lister wouldn't hear. Holly _did_ hear her, though, and snorted laughter. 

* * *

Deep within the Elara, the ELF was doing the same thing. Tell was watching him with an amused grin on her face, as ELF put a group of hapless spiders through their paces. The small black widows were running, leaping, and tumbling through hoops woven from their own silk. A snow leopard – not the same one as before – lay atop a not very necessary console, tail twitching impatiently. 

'When we have set the humans to work, ELF will take you through the AR game ELF has created. ELF combined information from all the AR sims ELF could find and had brought to him. Polar bears, ELF will admit, are not the best of animals to carry such things without damaging them, but they did well,' ELF said. 

Tell nodded, choosing to say nothing about her own AR Suite, which, via a complex computer program, could take the user into virtually any scenario they desired. From battle simulations designed to sharpen the talents of the soldiers on board the Titania to the X rated erotica simulations designed to... well... anyway, they were superior to anything any other spaceship of her time had. 

'The humans will finish the work on the ship's hull, then repair the engines. ELF thinks ELF should take them with him, they might be useful in the future for further repairs,' ELF mused. 

Tell nodded again, perhaps thinking of her own self-repair system of nanobots, which had kept her own systems in perfect running order during the original colonisation expedition – to find inhabitable planets – and for the two hundred years since the crew had all come out of stasis and eventually died of old age. 

'And then perhaps ELF should also take the animals to keep the humans under control,' ELF added. 

Tell mmm'ed at him, thinking of her own defence systems. The nanobots hadn't been up to scratch _there_ , perhaps because the ship hadn't been approached since it left the Solar System three million years ago, and though she'd bought them _some_ time by allowing the humans to take what they wanted from the ship, they still hadn't managed to get the gates reconstructed perfectly. 

She would like a crew herself, she thought. ELF was going to leave her here, obviously – he hadn't said anything about her in his plans. But what if she could get some of the crew for herself? Maybe not all of them – she didn't want the hologram, he was a whining bastard, and so was the mechanoid. But perhaps the two humans... 

* * *

The two humans in question were currently facing the wrong end of a bazookoid. Rimmer was at the other end of the bazookoid, a manic glare in his once-soft hazel eyes. The 'H' on his head gleamed with small red sparks, and had he suddenly produced a small furry penguin hand puppet, Lister would not have been surprised. 

'You were wrong about one thing, anyway, Kryte,' Lister said to the mechanoid. 

'What, sir?' 

'He didn't come back as the nicer version.' 

Rimmer motioned for them to move. The bazookoid was a great persuader. Kochanski was looking around for the other weapons, but Rimmer had apparently hidden everything before taking over control of _Starbug_ , even the steak knife Lister used to pick dirt from under his toenails. 

'Rimmer, man, why're you doing this?' Lister asked, seeking to confirm Kryten's theory. 

Rimmer's mouth opened and moved, but it was the ELF's voice which came out. 'The _Elara_ must be repaired and crewed. You will work to repair it, and be rewarded with your lives,' he said. 

'I'd prefer to leave,' the Cat said. 

'Anyone who attempts to leave will die. This vessel will ensure that.' As if to prove the ELF's point, Rimmer fired a round into the floor. Set as it was on 'stun', the bazookoid did no damage to the floor, but it was enough to get the crew moving, into the airlock and then down the landing ramp. 

A second team of animals were waiting for them. The remains of the others had been cleared away, but Lister could see the traces of blood on the floor, and followed the trail with his eyes to the snowy outside world, through the open landing bay door. He saw Kris looking in the same direction, her head shaking slightly – he didn't think she knew she was doing it. 

'It's OK, Krissie,' he murmured, and she nodded, but when their hands met and their fingers linked she was holding his hand in a death grip. He knew she was thinking about the same thing he was thinking about – how amazing it had been that Rimmer had made that sacrifice. And wondering _why_ the Universe's biggest coward and best whippet-with-a-bum-full-of-dynamite impersonator had made it. 

He had been dying anyway. 

But he'd been acting oddly for a while. 

Was it all down to his dream? 

Or was there some other cause? 

Lister decided to stop thinking in single sentences, and instead began to concentrate on a way to get them out of this mess. Unfortunately, the 'smeghead' problem was probably going to be easier to nut out – ELF had tightened security drastically, and the low growl of the snow leopard following him when Lister looked around made him think that piss-bolting wouldn't be an option. 

Not at this point, anyway. 

They reached the section of corridor near the rec room where they had last been working, to see fresh piles of metal, four welders, and a stack of welding rods all arrayed along the wall. The bears had evidently been at work again. 

'Why can't he just get Humphrey B's overgrown cousins to do all the work?' the Cat complained. 

'They probably can't handle the tools with enough precision,' said Kochanski, at the same time as Rimmer said in ELF's voice, 'ELF's reasons will not be questioned. You will work now.' 

'ELF, is Tell here?' asked Lister. 

'Tell is here. Tell is helping ELF,' ELF said. 'You will work now.' 

'Bloody single-track mind, just like all males,' Kochanski said, managing a smirk when Lister rolled his eyes at her. They picked up the welders and got working... and thinking of ways out of this. 

* * *

Tell was feeling good. Her nanobots had reconstructed those parts of the ship which were going bad, rearranging the walls, doors and gates at a sub-atomic level. Electrons fled before the nanos, protons lined up obediently and neutrons clumped up to form nuclei with the protons. Tell could feel it happening, like a metallic massage. 

The only trouble was, she wanted to leave now. 

'ELF will give me the two humans as crew before I leave,' she told the Elara's computer. 

ELF was sulky. 'ELF will not. ELF will keep the humans and the mechanoid. Tell will take the hologram and the feline.' 

Had she had hips, Tell most likely would've put her hands on them. 'I bloody won't. Those two are useless...' She thought for a second. 'To a military ship, I mean. 'To ELF they will be very useful. See the hologram, he obeys your orders. The feline might be similarly controlled.' 

'ELF will keep the humans,' ELF insisted. 

Tell sighed and mentally spat on her hands, ready to _really_ get to work. 

* * *

Meanwhile, the Starbug crew were ready to _quit_ work. Even Kryten felt like he was getting blisters, and indeed tiny bubbles were forming in the plastic which covered his hands. Kochanski and the Cat both had Band-Aids™ covering sores on _their_ hands. Lister's hands were painful from carrying the metal and wielding the welder, but it was his leg which was really suffering: a few minutes ago a sheet of metal had slipped and gashed his leg. Kryten was bandaging it now, with Rimmer looking on suspiciously. 

'Why do you delay?' he asked, in his own voice, but with ELF controlling his words. 'This is a job which could have been completed hours ago!' 

'Maybe if we were six-foot tall strongmen – and women – capable of welding this stuff down just by _looking_ at it,' Lister said. 'Ouch, Kryte, that hurt.' 

'I'm not sure you won't need a tetanus shot, Mr Lister,' Kryten said. 'That metal looked awfully rusty.' 

'Rimmer, man,' Lister began, ignoring Kryten. 'What say we knock off now, hmmm? We've been doing this for six hours without so much as a break for a quiet smoke. Now I know you're not big on smoking, but I am, and I'm hanging out for one.' 

'ELF wants you to work,' Rimmer said in the precise voice of a child who knows exactly what he wants. It was ELF's voice again, and hearing that voice coming from Rimmer's mouth was nothing short of bizarre. 

'And I want to bloody smoke,' Lister said threateningly. 

'And I want to eat,' put in the Cat. 

'So do I,' said Kochanski. 

'And my hair's a mess.' 

'So's mine.' 

'So let's cut the smeg and have a break,' Lister said. 'We need an hour to eat and get cleaned up before we can work again.' He got up, walking a little unsteadily, and hobbled towards the rec room, where they had been told there would be food. 

'You must work,' ELF insisted through Rimmer. 'Or I will have this vessel kill you.' 

'Go ahead,' Kochanski said surprisingly, throwing down her welder and following Lister. Over her shoulder, she added, 'But how many more workers are going to pass this way before you eventually go completely senile and can't even remember _how_ to control people and animals? If we don't eat we'll die anyway, and then your precious _Elara_ will rust to bits.' She caught up with Lister and slipped her arm around his waist, helping to support him. 

Rimmer hesitated – ELF hesitated – then nodded in seeming defeat. 'Go. Eat. You have one hour. Then you will work again. ELF commands it.' The could faintly hear what sounded like Tell's voice in the background, but disregarded it as they raced – or limped – for the rec room and food. 

* * *

They _had_ heard Tell's voice, mainly because it had raised in volume. She was not bargaining with ELF: she was _telling_ him what she wanted. 

'ELF will give me the humans or I will disintegrate ELF's systems.' 

'No.' 

'ELF will give me the humans or ELF will suffer an agonising death.' 

'No.' 

'ELF will not argue. I am superior. ELF will do as I order.' 

'ELF will not. ELF will do as ELF wishes. If Tell gets in ELF's way, ELF will kill her.' 

_Bugger that_ , thought Tell. She started up her ship's engines, then created an electromagnetic field around the _Titania_ as it slowly shed its coating of ice and began to rise into the air. 

* * *

Lister nearly fell over as the _Elara_ began to quiver, small tremors shaking the ship from end to end. Rimmer looked at the bazookoid in his hands curiously, and Kochanski realised that ELF had relinquished its control of him. 

'Rimmer, are you OK?' she asked, just in case. 

'What's going on? I thought I was in the landing bay...' He reached up and touched his forehead, feeling the 'H' there, but as if he had known it would be there he didn't react. Not then anyway. 

'Rimmer, you were never you?' Lister stared at him. 

'ELF must have had control from the moment we booted him up,' Kryten said. 

The door being open, they all clearly saw it when the animals began to flee. Appropriately, the first to run were a pair of white-furred rats, squeaking confusedly as they scurried for the nearest rust-hole. Following them were the spiders, the black widows which had proved to be such a threat before. Two polar bears. The snow leopard, which growled at them, some last vestige of ELF's control remaining in its psyche. 

'Rats abandoning a sinking ship,' Lister murmured. 

'Except we're not sinking.' Kochanski looked around, an expression of dread on her face. 'We're going up.' 

Then it was a race to the landing bay, the animals and Rimmer no longer under control letting them pass freely. In fact, most of the animals had gone by the time they reached the landing bay, which was seesawing wildly with the rest of the ship. And Rimmer took great pleasure in stomping the few spiders they came across. 

_Starbug_ shot out of the landing bay, and Kryten quickly punched up a link with the two computers to see what was going on. 

* * *

'You will give me what I command!' Tell screamed in fury. 

'ELF takes no commands!' ELF said back. 

'I want the humans!' 

'That is Tell's problem. ELF will keep the humans. Tell may take the feline and the hologram,' ELF said placidly. 

'ELF will hand them over, or I'll blast you out of the sky!' 

'No, Tell won't. Tell would be better off to blast the humans out of the sky,' ELF said. 

'Why?' Tell demanded. 

'Because they are escaping,' ELF said. 

Tell checked her external monitors and saw the dumpy green mining ship flying merrily away. She even saw the rude hand signals Lister was doing out of the window at her (he'd made them up on the spur of the moment, though, and she didn't understand them). She fired a warning shot at them, which missed. 

And ELF fired at her. 

Tell screamed in rage and turned the _Titania_ to face the _Elara_ , then bulleted forward and rammed the smaller ship to oblivion. Pieces of metal spiralled everywhere, along with one confused-looking polar bear. Tell screamed again, in exultation this time, and sent the order to the nanobots to repair the systems which had been damaged in the attack. 

They weren't there. 

Puzzled, Tell sent the order again. And again. And there was still no response. The front half of the _Titania_ was on fire. Tell screamed, at least until the fire reached her intelligence circuits. Then she began to babble. Finally, the fire consumed her CPU, and Tell couldn't do _anything_ any more. 

-  
KRYTEN'S HAPPY ENDING  
\- 

Back on board _Starbug_ , Kryten switched off the comms channel without a word of comment. 

'But what happened to her?' Kochanski wondered aloud. 

'It's simple, ma'am,' Kryten said. 'Tell needed the nanobots which were implanted in her system to fix everything. But the nanobots were tired of being ordered around so much, and jumped ship.' 

'How do you know that?' the Cat asked. 

Kryten smiled contentedly. 'Mr Cat, they're in me now,' he said. 'Finally I've found the replacement for those which were lost on board Red Dwarf. And now I can fix that pain I'd been having in all the diodes down my left-hand side.' 

-  
RIMMER'S HAPPY ENDING  
\- 

Shortly after the two other ships exploded, Rimmer wandered back to his and Lister's room to make sense of the 'new him'. He explored new memories; laughing at all those where he'd made a fool out of Lister (there weren't many), wincing in terror as he 'watched' Lister playing pool with planets (which, apparently, he wasn't supposed to remember at all, but it seemed to have been encoded into his memory along with one of the whole event never happening; a doubling within a doubling), and wondering what the smeg was going on when he remembered being quite sad about having to leave Lister behind to go and become Ace. 

The strange thing was trying to remember the dream he'd had which had encouraged him to use hate to overcome fear. He couldn't remember it. And the more he tried to remember it, the further away it slipped, until he began to think that hate over fear probably wouldn't work at all. He jumped at his own shadow on the wall before realising what it was. 

But then he realised he was a hard-light hologram. Being dead was going to take some getting used to, especially being dead and virtually immortal. But he _was_ dead, _was_ virtually immortal, and – his fingers encountered the badge pinned to his shirt – an officer. 

He was an officer. 

He was an OFFICER! 

HE'D MADE IT! 

-  
THE CAT'S HAPPY ENDING  
\- 

The Cat sat in the cockpit, steered Starbug safely around the tail of a comet, and had trout á la crème for lunch. He didn't spill any of the food on his nice yellow silk shirt or the black pants he was wearing, and his hairdo didn't get mussed when the comet tail's gyroscopic forces gave the ship a bit of a buffeting. 

The Cat had always had simple pleasures, even if he did prefer to indulge them as extravagantly as he could..

-  
HOLLY'S HAPPY ENDING  
\- 

The crew had survived, they hadn't been blown up by anything for a change, and Kryten's nanobots had agreed to help cure her computer senility. It was all good. 

-  
LISTER AND KOCHANSKI'S HAPPY ENDING  
\- 

Sitting on the edge of Kochanski's bunk, Lister watched her rummage through her pants drawer in search of something she'd apparently found on the Titania she guaranteed he'd like. 

He laid back and closed his eyes. God, she was taking a long time. 

_Snick._

Lister opened his eyes. Kochanski was leaning over him, and he heard the _snick_ sound again. He tried to sit up and see what she'd done, but he couldn't. And his arms were held up weirdly, and something metal gleamed on his wrists. 

'Kris...' 

'What?' 

'Are those handcuffs?' 

'Shut up and lie back down.' 


End file.
